jungatplay... jokus borealis...

The Hunchback

A hunchback wandered into town one day. He stopped at a business, asked for the owner, when he came out the hunchback said, "I need a job, need a job, need a job." The owner looked at him and said, "I'm sorry, but I have no openings." So the hunchback went a little further down the street, walked into another business, asked for the owner, and said, "I need a job, need a job, need a job." The owner said, "I'm sorry, I have just hired someone." So, the hunchback went a little further down the road, walked into another business and said, "I need a job, need a job, need a job." The owner looked at him and said, "you know, most people in this town won't hire hunchbacks, but I'll give you a shot. Here, take this box of toothbrushes, go sell them all, and I'll give you a job." "Thank you, thank you, thank you. I'll make you proud," said the hunchback, took the box and left.

The next morning, the shop owner showed up for work, and there was the hunchback, with a fist-full of money. Shocked, the owner said, "I have had those toothbrushes for five years and noone wanted them, you sold them all?" "Yes," said the hunchback, "can I have a job?" "Of course, my word is good," said the owner. "But I have to ask, how did you sell them all in one day?" The hunchback smiled, "It was easy. I went over to the park, set up a table with a bowl of chips and dip. I hung a sign that said 'free chips and dip.' Someone would come up, get a chip, dip it, eat it. Then they would spit it out and say, 'That tastes like shit.' I would say, 'It is! Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

this one was told to me by a friend in wyoming, Wes Connally... i'm not sure if he made it up or not, but i laughed for hours... of course, that MIGHT have been the tequila laughing...

Stages of the Evening

LEVEL 1: It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers. You get up to leave because you have work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends. Here at level one you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly, why as long as I get seven hours of sleep *snapping fingers*, I'm cool."

LEVEL 2: It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep *snapping fingers*, I'm cool.".

LEVEL 3: One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now you're thinking, "Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!" At level three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get drinking fantasies. (like,"Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do it. Jimmy, you could cook.") But at level three, that devil is a little bit bigger....and he's buying. And you're thinking "Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep...and a complete change of blood *snapping fingers*, I'm cool."

LEVEL 4: Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call, you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This time on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar. Just because you don't like his face! And now you're thinking, "Our busboy is the best looking man I've ever seen." You and your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows of a... after hours bar. And here, at level four, you actually think to yourself, "Well....as long as I'm only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well....STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah! That'd be good for me. I don't mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow *trying to snap fingers*, I'm cool.

LEVEL 5: Five in the morning. after unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo parlor ("But I don't even know anybody named Ruby!!!"), you and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as... that morning. It's the kind of place where even the devil is going, "Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell at nine. I've got that brunch with Hitler, I can't miss that." At this point, you're all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, "Someday I'm gonna marry that girl!!" One of your friends stands up and screams, "WE'RE DRIVIN' TO FLORIDA!!!!!" and passes out. You crawl outside for air , and then you hit the worst part of level five... the sun. You weren't expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they look at you and they know. And they say... "Who's Ruby?" Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay up all night, it's like a victory, like you've beat the night, but if you're over 30, then that sun is like God's flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, "I swear, I will never do this again (how long?) as long as I live!" And some of us have that little addition, "and this time, I mean it!"

this one was e'd to me by my very good friend in houston Troy Bollinger (soon to be an ex-bachelor)... i don't think he made it up... but at least he realized how good it was...

WHAT DO YOU CALL A FLY THAT'S HAD IT'S WINGS PULLED OFF???
A WALK...

this one is courtesy of another friend of mine, Mark Broughton, in oregon... he just might have made it up... he is that goofy (and simple... no offense mark) to have done it...

THE POOPIE LIST

Ghost Poopie
The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no Poopie.

Clean Poopie
The kind where you Poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the paper.

Wet Poopie
The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped. So you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with a stain.

Second Wave Poopie
This happens when your done Poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees; then realize that you have to poopie some more.

Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead Poopie
The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.

Lincoln Log Poopie
The kind of Poopie that is so huge, you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.

Gassy Poopie
It's so noisy, everyone within earshot is giggling.

Drinking Poopie
The kind of Poopie you have in the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.

Corn Poopie
(self-explanitory)

Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poopie Poopie
The kind where you want to Poopie, but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.

Spinal Tap Poopie
That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.

Wet Cheek Poopie
(the Power Dump) The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.

Liquid Poopie
The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl.

Mexican Poopie
It smells so bad your nose burns.

Upper Class Poopie
The kind of Poopie that doesn't smell.

The Suprise Poopie
You're not even at the toilet because all you think you're about to do is fart, but oops... a Poopie.

The Dangling Poopie
This Poopie refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done Poopie-ing it. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.

this one come courtesy of... my mother... and you all wanted to know where i get it from... and I JUST HOPE she didn't make it up...

jungatplay... jokus borealis...
last updated 11/3/97...
by me...
[email protected]...

						Stages of the Evening
						LEVEL 1: It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers. You get up to leave because you have work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends. Here at level one you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly, why as long as I get seven hours of sleep snapping fingers, I'm cool."
						LEVEL 2: It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep snapping fingers, I'm cool.".
						LEVEL 3: One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now you're thinking, "Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!" At level three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get drinking fantasies. (like,"Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do it. Jimmy, you could cook.") But at level three, that devil is a little bit bigger....and he's buying. And you're thinking "Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep...and a complete change of blood snapping fingers, I'm cool."
						LEVEL 4: Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call, you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This time on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar. Just because you don't like his face! And now you're thinking, "Our busboy is the best looking man I've ever seen." You and your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows of a... after hours bar. And here, at level four, you actually think to yourself, "Well....as long as I'm only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well....STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah! That'd be good for me. I don't mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow trying to snap fingers, I'm cool.
						LEVEL 5: Five in the morning. after unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo parlor ("But I don't even know anybody named Ruby!!!"), you and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as... that morning. It's the kind of place where even the devil is going, "Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell at nine. I've got that brunch with Hitler, I can't miss that." At this point, you're all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, "Someday I'm gonna marry that girl!!" One of your friends stands up and screams, "WE'RE DRIVIN' TO FLORIDA!!!!!" and passes out. You crawl outside for air , and then you hit the worst part of level five... the sun. You weren't expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they look at you and they know. And they say... "Who's Ruby?" Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay up all night, it's like a victory, like you've beat the night, but if you're over 30, then that sun is like God's flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, "I swear, I will never do this again (how long?) as long as I live!" And some of us have that little addition, "and this time, I mean it!"

						this one was e'd to me by my very good friend in houston Troy Bollinger (soon to be an ex-bachelor)... i don't think he made it up... but at least he realized how good it was...

						WHAT DO YOU CALL A FLY THAT'S HAD IT'S WINGS PULLED OFF??? A WALK...

						this one is courtesy of another friend of mine, Mark Broughton, in oregon... he just might have made it up... he is that goofy (and simple... no offense mark) to have done it...